Finding Out

For me, finding out that I was actually DISABLED and coming to grips with that was one of the hardest times I have ever faced. And I’ve been through some tough times. When I got hurt in never occurred to me I would never be able to do many of the things I had always taken for granted – like walking!! I have been fortunate that I was able to recover a lot of my mobility, but I will never be the same as I was before I was hurt.
Before the accident I was a runner, I played golf and tennis, loved to swim in the ocean near our house with the kids and do all the active things people do. Suddenly, in the blink of an eye it was all gone. Yes, I was fortunate in a lot of ways and I count those blessings every day – one of the biggest is that I’m alive to talk about it at all. I could just as easily have been killed instead of disabled, but I was still disabled. And I often wonder if there is a lesson in this I should have understood all along – that now seems crystal clear – and if I would have seen it sooner if I could have avoided being here today, but we’ll get to all that in time. All that is ‘what if.’ The reality is I AM disabled and that’s all there is to it.
One day I sat with my doctor listening to him review the results of my MRI and ruling out the possibility of surgery – he said there were surgeons out there who would do it, but they would be cutting to cut, not because they were looking out for my best interest. The doctor said it would make it worse in the long run to do the surgery; possibly relegating me to a wheelchair for the rest of my life and leaving me in a pain that would require addictive painkillers round the clock. I knew the searing pain that was scorching my spine as it was, adding to it made me wonder if there was another way to live – or die.
In that moment it suddenly came crushing in on me like a building collapsing around me. This was it. This was as good as it was going to get. I was done. There was no going back to my old life. From that day forward my life was going to be totally different and there was nothing I could do about that. No amount of cussing, ranting, raving, screaming, crying, pleading or whatever I wanted to do was going to change all that. It was what it was. It was a kick in the crotch, the stomach, the chest and where ever else I could imagine all at once. My life as I knew it was suddenly moving away from me and I was facing a whole new way of living.
The question became, what was I going to do about it? What was I going to tell all the people in my life I loved? What would happen to me and them? They were used to a man who was a ‘hard-charger’ with a ‘never say die’ attitude. There was nothing I was afraid of in this world. Suddenly I was VERY afraid and feeling VERY alone.
The ride home was a long one. I had no idea what I was going to tell everyone. They were expecting to hear I would get surgery, recover and get back to my life with only a hiccup. Going home to face them with THIS news was almost as bad as trying to come to grips with it myself… And I was suddenly VERY afraid of what else I might lose…

The Beginning

I was a manager at a major multinational corporation. I had a future, a career, big salary, stock, bonuses, business associates, accolades and all the ingredients for moving up the corporate ladder.
In a flash it was over. Just like that. I had an industrial accident that destroyed my back and changed my life. From that day forward I was disabled. It took a while for all of it to become clear to me, but in looking back I realize that was where it started and has been with me ever since. My old life was ‘press clippings;’ my new life was a whole new world.
At the beginning I had no idea I was permanently disabled. I thought I was injured and would get better. When I first got tangled up with that piece of machinery I thought I would be fine in a few weeks. I’ve been injured before – it’s part of life. I’ve played sports since I was a kid and getting hurt was always part of the deal. When I got hurt people came running because I was unable to get up from the floor. I remember the blinding pain and going down to the floor, seeing the whole world from ankle level and the look of concern on the faces of everyone who gathered quickly around, but I thought it was just another one of those injury things. This time it was different, as I was about to find out how much so.
The first inkling came when I was at the doctor and he started making those noises and faces that always mean there’s something more going on here than just a sprain. When it’s something easy they make jokes and tell you it’ll be all right. This time there was none of that. This time there was a stern face and no jokes. That’s never a good sign. After x-rays and setting appointments for MRIs and a laundry list of painkillers I had no idea it was going to be more than just a few days off and back to work.
I could use a few days off to rest up and get ready for the big push. It was Peak Season, after all, and I was starting to wear thin like all of us did every year around that time. As I was walking out of the office I asked the doctor how soon I could get back to work. I wanted to know for me and I knew my boss and associates were going to want to know as well. “We’ll know more after you come back in a couple weeks,” he said.
A couple weeks? That long? Am I supposed to stay home for a couple weeks? I had not stayed home for a couple weeks when I broke bones. Are you kidding me?
“A couple weeks before we can start assessing where we are. It’s probably going to be a lot longer than that.” Honesty can suck.
Even though I was in excruciating pain as I walked out – and ‘walked’ is a loose description of what I was doing, I was devastated. I stopped by the pharmacy on the way home, but I don’t remember the first thing about it. I was so lost in my own world of pain and fear the whole experience was lost on me.
It was after that, on my way home in the cold New York City afternoon, it started to dawn on me how seriously I was hurt. My body was busy telling me there was something wrong here – something REALLY bad. Since the injury I had been so caught up in my own thoughts of getting through the next few days of pain and getting back to work it never occurred to me I was in REAL physical trouble. That was about to come crashing down like a ton of bricks.